Childless by default

I am 41 years old married (for three years) with no kids.  There are usually two categories that you read about people not having kids.  Category 1: The people who are devastated because they are unable to have kids and Category 2: The people who are so happy that they feel like they've dodged a bullet.

I am neither of these two.  I neither desperately want children, nor do I feel like I have "dodged a bullet."  I don't have a peace about not having kids.  I fear I will regret it later on.

I see the benefits in both, and I fear that I will regret not at least trying to have kids.  If I had tried and not been successful, I think I would have a peace about it.  Well, it was not meant to be, I will adapt and make the best of it.  This is the type of person that I am.  I adapt, and most of the time when I don't get my first choice, I adapt and find that the first choice wasn't the best choice anyway.  I usually end up saying, "I am so glad; I didnt get that job that I thought I wanted.  Or, Thank God, I didnt marry him (even though I was devastated when I got dumped."

In my defense, I was 38 when I got married.  And then at 40 I found out my fiboids had returned (2 years after a surgery to remove them.) And it was pretty dawn big (like the size of a grapefruit big) And when I found that out, that kind of shut the door on having kids.  I didnt think if I could even get pregnant, a baby and a grapefruit would not co-exist.

Now as I near 42 years on this planet, I feel a need to nurture, a need to make a difference.  This is needed for my peace of mind.  And I know you can make a difference without kids, but wouldnt it be so much easier if these people whose lives your making a difference in and nurturing are right in your house.  And you don't have  a choice whether to show up or not, so you do show up every single day, and give selflessly.  Wouldnt that build character?

My pursuits seem shallow.  I want to run a half marathon.  I want to learn a programing language, get over my fear of flying, and travel out of the country.

And my life seems shallow.  What adult stays in the bed to 11:00 am on a Saturday.  There are some days when I have nothing to do, I am not really needed.  I know parents will find this hard to believe, but sometimes you really can have too much free time.

I fear when I get older I will be all alone and regret it. While my friends spend Christmas with their children and grandchildren.  Will I be alone and bitter?

On flip side.  I do like the freedom of pursuing my shallow pursuits.

My husband and I were on the fence about having kids.  Being 38 and 43 is not really the time to be on the fence.  So we decided not to try.  Six months into our marriage,  I was out of work, and I had a lot of time on my hands. Out of my need for purpose in my life, I decided, maybe we should try.  My husband, knowing how I change my mind changes likely the wind didn't really entertain it.

After I got a job, started a new career, the idea of having a child didn't seem as appealing.  But every now and then I would get and urge, saying to my husband "May be we should try."  But then literally a week later, "I'm so glad we dont have kids."